When Spirituality Gets Weaponised in Relationships

AUDIO 11 min 58 sec

Have you ever been told by some loving person you need to do work on yourself?  Some wonderfully evolved helpful human decided to take a moment out of their perfect day and perfect life to let you know you have issues, and they felt it was their responsibility to point it out to you?

Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner tried to ‘fix’ you, but instead you felt more broken? You felt judged or insulted but sucked it up? In some relationships the dynamics may be one partner being older and seeming to have more wisdom or when one person has a bit of spiritual knowledge and uses it as a tool to ‘heal’ the other.

I was watching a video on social media one day and a woman was pointing out something that was concerning her in her neighbourhood.  It was a justified concern, I thought, yet in the comments a psychologist commented "well that is your trauma working for you ha-ha’"in that one comment she minimised this woman’s concerns and gave her an uninvited diagnosis.

I see this pattern often in clinic and even in my own healing and spiritual community over the years. One person picks up some spiritual knowledge and, instead of using it to deepen their own growth, they turn it outward, trying to “fix” the other.

It can often go like this: One partner tells the other that unless they work on themselves, the relationship won’t last. The threat of “If you don’t work on yourself, I’ll leave you” is spiritual manipulation dressed up as concern. It’s not an invitation into growth, it’s coercion. Ambushing the other into trauma work is not only unsafe but re-traumatising, because it bypasses the others nervous system, consent and readiness. Spiritual tools used this way become weapons meant to correct and dominate, not to heal, leaving the other in a constant state of anxiety, believing they are too broken to be loved.

It can be deeply confusing for the person on the receiving end of this dynamic, especially if they already place their partner on a pedestal or struggle with insecurities. They may be in the midst of their own healing process, still learning to trust the signals of their body, when suddenly they’re told that it’s their ego blocking them, or that they are sabotaging the relationship if they are not following the guidance of the other. This is profoundly destructive.

The truth is that healing is a delicate balance. It’s about learning to trust yourself, listening for clarity in your own inner messages, and allowing things to release in your own way and in your own time. The notion that someone else has the right, or even the ability to direct your healing without your consent is not wisdom, it’s spiritual ego.

Why This Happens

When we don’t know how to sit with our own pain, it’s tempting to turn the spotlight onto someone else. It’s always easier to project than to self-reflect. For some, stepping into the role of “fixer” or “teacher” feels far safer than turning inward and facing their own shadows. The raw discomfort they feel in intimacy when confronted with another’s vulnerability gets deflected by pressuring their partner to heal faster, to “do the work,” or to move through their trauma on command.

In this way, spirituality becomes less about love or growth and more about control. What could be a path to connection instead becomes a mask, hiding the partner’s avoidance of their own wounds.

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The Impact on the One Being ‘Fixed’

Living under this kind of pressure slowly drains a person’s spirit. Day after day, they begin to question their worth, carrying the heavy belief: “I can only be loved if I am healed.” Instead of feeling supported, they live with the constant fear that their relationship could crumble if they don’t progress fast enough, or in the “right” way. This doesn’t create healing, but a cycle of shame and anxiety.  In an attempt to show up as ‘healed’ they can start to wear a mask and hide the ’unacceptable’ emotions feeding into the shame cycle.

Love was never meant to feel like an ultimatum. Real healing cannot be forced or demanded, it cannot thrive under threat or coercion. True transformation only unfolds in an environment of safety, patience, and compassion where there is room to breathe, to stumble, and to grow at one’s own pace. That is the ground where genuine healing takes root.

What Healthy Growth Looks Like

A supportive partner or friend doesn’t ambush you into trauma work. They walk beside you. They reflect with you, not at you. They are willing to turn inward and face their own shadows too. Healing is never about power; it is about presence.

I have never met anyone myself included, who didn’t carry unhealed places, old wounds, or trauma still lodged in the nervous system. This is part of the human condition. We all inherit layers of conditioning, ancestral imprints, and even past-life residues. The journey of life isn’t about eradicating these entirely to reach an idealised state of ‘healed’, but about meeting them with awareness, acceptance, and as much love as we can bring in each moment. The healing can’t happen until we bring light and love to these places in us. 

So, what happens when one partners trauma is sabotaging the relationship.

This is the crux of it, because not everyone comes into a relationship from the same level of stability. Sometimes there is one partner who’s carrying a destructive pattern, an active addiction, or unresolved trauma that spills into the relationship. The question then becomes: how does the other partner meet this reality without sliding into weaponisation or co-dependency?

A common complaint I hear in clinic may be a wife coming in declaring that the husband has a problem.  For the sake of context let’s say a drinking problem.  The reality is that it’s not the husband that has a problem, it’s her.  Her husband’s drinking has become her problem.  We cannot fix someone else’s problems we can only deal with our own part in it.

Here’s how I’d break it down:

Don’t Become the Therapist

This is the most common trap. The “superior” partner takes on the role of healer, guide, or rescuer, but romantic partnerships can’t carry that weight. Healing work belongs with trained professionals, support groups, or committed inner work not with a lover trying to play saviour.

Set Boundaries, Not Ultimatums

If the destructive behaviour threatens safety (physical, emotional, or financial), the spiritual partner has every right to set a boundary:

Your drinking is affecting me in this way (state the concern i.e. it makes me feel unsafe etc) “I can’t stay in a relationship where my partner drinks every night, I feel neglected and unloved.”  This is a boundary, and you are owning how their behaviour is affecting YOU.  You are not saying you’re an alcoholic, so fix it!

An ultimatum sounds like: “I’m leaving if you don’t fix yourself.” The message underneath is, “There’s something wrong with you.” In this stance, there is no acknowledgement of one’s own part in the dynamic, only blame projected outward.

Boundaries protect the self. Ultimatums try to control the other.

Differentiate Support from Control

Support says: “I care about you, and I’ll Walk alongside you while you heal.”

Control says: “Unless you heal the way I want, when I want, I can’t love you.”The energy is completely different. One honours autonomy, the other undermines it.

Remember the Mirror Works Both Ways

Sometimes the partner drawn to someone in deep dysfunction has to ask: “Why did I choose this? What part of me is trying to heal through this relationship?” It doesn’t mean they’re to blame for the other’s behaviour, but it does point to growth opportunities, like learning to say no, or to stop rescuing as a way of feeling needed or loved.

I had a friend who would bring every partner in his relationships to me to get ‘fixed’.  He eventually found a partner that met him with maturity, and he started doing his own inner work rather than projecting onto her.

A Healthier Alternative

Real growth in a relationship is rooted in mutual reflection, respect, and safety. When one partner tries to coerce the other into change, it creates fear and resistance. When support is offered instead, healing becomes possible. True transformation doesn’t come on demand, it unfolds at the pace of the nervous system, not at the command of someone else’s ego.

This is where maturity in partnership shows itself: in holding compassion and accountability together. Compassion says, “I see your pain, and I know you’re more than your wound.” Accountability says, “Your pain doesn’t excuse you from the impact of your actions.” Both are necessary. Without compassion, love collapses into judgment. Without accountability, care slips into enabling. It is only when the two are held side by side that a relationship becomes both a safe space and a mirror for growth.

Reflection Questions for You

• Do I feel loved as I am, or only when I’m “working on myself”?

• Am I being invited into growth, or coerced into it?

• Is my partner also willing to examine themselves?

• Am I supportive of my partners healing journey or does it trigger me?

If you find yourself answering “no” to these questions, know this: you are not broken, and you are not too much. You deserve a relationship where love is not conditional on fixing yourself.

Spirituality, when rooted in love, is a balm. When it’s misused, it adds to the wounding. The difference lies in intention, is it control or connection? Remember, true healing cannot be forced. It unfolds in safety, and it always begins with self-trust.

If you want to work on yourself and dive deep into unwinding that nervous system to embrace wholeness, calm, peace and joy then book a session.  Please feel free to pass this on to someone you care about and not to someone you are trying to fix.

In love and light

Vesna